We Got Voguin'

Columnist Josh Howell does his best impression of Harold Hill with a Draggieland spin on it.

At the time of publication, the Stop Draggieland petition has garnered some 1,825 signatures and over 500 shares on social media. Perhaps most impressively, it has received 28 “contributions.” Contributions to what, exactly? To whom are these contributions being given? What is their total value? Tantalizingly, even the organizers don’t seem to know.

But I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking that this petition is a bunch of hullabaloo over nothing.

You’re thinking that the petitioners’ efforts would be better spent on something other than student drag queens in Rudder Theatre (heretofore referred to as drAggies). They could advocate for making the campus friendlier to minorities, improving the mental health of our students or curbing the celebration of binge drinking that is a ring dunk. (We’d laugh at their pearl-clutching, but deep down we’d all know they’d have a point.)

Then you read the petition itself. And upon learning that its writers (a deep breath is advisable here) “are against [the] exploitation of human persons in human trafficking, pornography and prostitution because it destroys their human dignity and enslaves them in a life of being used for the sexual pleasure of others,” you might think two more things. 1) What a pretentious sentence! No one uses the phrase “human persons!” To what other “persons” could they possibly be referring? 2) That the inclusion of pornography, prostitution and drag shows into the category of “that which enslaves” clearly demonstrates an ignorance of “enslavement’s” definition.

If you are a Christian, you are probably hanging your head and wondering why the petitioners — bless their hearts! — clarified religion was their inspiration, thus dragging you into this mess. (Pray tell, has anyone ever been convinced by any argument that begins with an equivalent of a derisively intoned, “As a Christian…”?)

If you are a journalist, you snicker at the fact that the petition — which falsely claims that the university is funding Draggieland — was fact-checked by Campus Reform, a news site which “exposes the liberal bias and abuse against conservatives.”

Above all, you may be thinking that the petitioners are demanding seriousness but not exemplifying it, that they sound a bit like The Music Man's Harold Hill, a con man who whips a small town into a frenzy over nothing at all. What — in the name of all that is maroon and white — could possibly be wrong with students dressing in drag?

Well

 

Either you are tolerating a culture you do not wish to offend

Or you are blind to the consequences introduced by a drag show in our community

 

We got voguin', dear Ags

I say, we got voguin right here in Rudder Theatre

Why sure I'm an Aggie Boy

Loud and proud I say it

Always loud and proud I say it

 

I consider the hours I’ve spent

At the Silk Stocking to be golden

You develop a smart eye 

And a healthy regard for female sexuality

 

Have you ever mugged down a hair’s breadth away from alcohol poisoning at Northgate?

But just as a I say, it takes judgment, brains and maturity to score at a Northgate bar

I say, any tea-sip can strut and prance down a runway

 

And I call that lust

The first two-step down Highway 6

I say, first, tea from a tea-sip

Then queers in the band!

 

And before you know it

Your boyfriend’s passing out condoms in a rainbow suit

And learning from a drag queen

All about how to walk down a runway in six-inch heels

(Not an orderly military march

But a dance where he actually might self-express!)

Would you like to see our Cadet Colonels 

Voguin' down Military Walk?

Sounds like hell.

Well, I should say,

Now, Ags, lemme tell you what I mean, 

Ya go two, four, six, eight, ten, twelve drAggies in vogue line

A line which marks the difference

Between the good bull and the bad

With a capital B

And that rhymes with D

And that stands for Drag!

 

Now, I know y’all are the right kind of Aggies

I’m gonna be perfectly frank

Would ya like to know what kind of shenanigans drAggies get up to before a show?

They be ridin’ on Bevo, tryin’ on makeup

Smoking nicotine from illegal vape-pens!

And brainstorming new ideas to add to their aggressively queer agenda

 

Until one dark night

They fly from their dressing rooms

And swoop toward the Quad!

Playing their obnoxious house music

That’ll enslave our Cadets (the keepers of our spirit!)

Into the throes of an exuberant, orgiastic pansy craze!

POLYAMORY!

Ags, Halo’s nothing but the devil’s playpen!

 

Voguin'! (Oh, we got voguin'!)

Right here in Rudder Theatre! (Right here in Rudder Theatre!)

With a capital V 

And that rhymes with D 

And that stands for Drag! (That stands for drag!)

We surely got voguin'!  (We surely got voguin'!)

Right here in Rudder Theatre! (Right here!)

Gotta figure out a way 

To tell the good bull from the bad!

 

Women of Aggieland, listen closely.

Save your relationships before it’s too late!

Watch for the tell-tale signs of feminization in your men!

Immediately after your boyfriend leaves the shower

Does he meticulously apply a rigorous skincare routine? 

Does he paint smokey eyeshadow better than you can? 

Is there a copy of “Paris is Burning” hidden underneath the mattress?

Can he properly punctuate the words “To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar”?

Are certain explicitly sexual phrases working their way into his vocabulary?

Phrases like,  like "red-ass?” 

And "hump it?"

 

Well, if so, dear Ags

We’ve got voguin'  

Right here in Rudder Theatre!

With a capital V

And that rhymes with D

And that stands for Drag!

We surely got voguin’

Right here in Rudder Theatre!

Respect Miss Rev, Ol’ Sully, and our dear Old Ags!

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