Opinion: Fourth & long
Tasked with writing about sports, the odds are stacked against me
Published: Thursday, September 26, 2013
Updated: Thursday, September 26, 2013 23:09
Because we only had one television growing up, I spent a significant amount of my childhood weekends waiting for my father to begin snoring, the official cry of surrender that signaled he had relinquished the remote and, consequently, cartoon privileges to my little brother and me. All of this waiting left me with a lot of free time, and I ended up watching an impressive amount of football waiting for my dad to succumb to the comfort of his grimy blue recliner.
Since those days, my mother has thrown out that cherished recliner, I still steal the remote from my dad and I have complained about my insatiable boredom through hours upon endless hours of football games. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t figure that game out.
In my sport’s picks each week, there’s a reason I decide what team is going to win by which mascot I like best or what will prevent me from getting lynched by the 98 percent, and it’s because I have no idea what’s going on. I’m asking for your help, kind citizens. Like your grandmother asking you to explain the mysteries of the Internet, I need assistance to properly understand why everyone is so excitable about this football business.
Now, I understand the line of scrimmage and what a fumble is and all of that nonsense. But there is an entire vernacular that I just can’t seem to comprehend. I know you use all-purpose flour to bake cakes, but I haven’t got a clue what all-purpose yards are for. Apparently a nickelback is a football position, when all along I thought it was a terrible excuse for a rock band and a disgrace to Canadians everywhere. And A&M has an air-raid offense? There are no planes on that football field and, frankly, I am disappointed.
I don’t know where people go to learn all these terms. I’m suspicious there was some sort of seminar I missed that everyone is hushing up as some sort of elaborate practical joke.
I’m on to you people.
And I’m humbly pleading with you at this point to explain to me what is going on. On Wednesday, The Battalion reported that offensive coordinator Clarence McKinney said Johnny Manziel had developed the ability to audible appropriately. That is very nice and I am very proud of him for all his accomplishments. I think he deserves a gold star, maybe even two. But in the name of all things good and pure, how do you even audible, much less do it appropriately?
Watching sportscasters doesn’t help one bit either. Trust me, I’ve tried that. I perch myself on the edge of my couch, and I’ve hung on their every word. But when it gets right down to it, all of the things they say seem to be some variation of, “Welp, I do believe the team that scores more points is going to win today.”
After a while, I just give up and get distracted by the garishly colored ties. Can we talk about how awful their ties are? Who dresses those poor male sportscasters? They need more help than I do.
I’ve been at A&M for over three years now. If I don’t figure out football soon, I might be doomed to a lifetime of ignorance. And who can say what the repercussions of that might be.
Please send help. I need to know why everyone is so very excited all the time, waving their towels wildly for the men in tight pants that keep running into each other so violently. I need to know why this is more appealing than my current lifestyle of remote thievery and mascot commentary.
And honestly, I just need someone to explain to me what is going on before the sports editor over here asks me if I know what a “play” is again.