Issue date: 7/15/08 Section: Opinion

Media Credit: James Cavin [Click to enlarge]

I recently had the privilege of visiting the Hirshhorn Museum of Modern Art in Washington D.C. It's part of the Smithsonian, and a sure testament that western civilization is going down the tubes faster than the lunch I lost when I stepped in the door. Now, I was expecting things to be bizarre, but it was far, far worse than I ever could have prepared myself for. I found myself making loud philistine comments just so people wouldn't think I actually liked this stuff.

Before we really tear into the subject of modern art, it's probably a good idea to take a little look at all the art history leading up to it. For all of recorded history, art has consisted almost entirely of drawing naked ladies. Everyone wanted to be a patron of the arts. Then, at some date that I am too lazy to look up on Wikipedia, the photograph was invented. Now naked ladies could be reproduced at a speed and level of realism that no artist could compete with.

The effect on the art community was terrible. Painters lost their jobs, started cutting off their own ears and drowned all of their sorrows in copious amounts of psychedelic drugs. Obviously, art needed to do something new and drastically different. Unfortunately, all artists knew how to do was draw naked ladies. Enter modern art.

As far as I could tell, modern art has two different styles. The first is to draw something completely random, and then claim that it's a naked lady. This is why there was a brass sculpture labeled "woman" that vaguely resembled Jabba the Hutt and had, among other anatomical anomalies, three eyes and fish gills (and let's just say that the gills were not where you would expect them to be). Other times it was hard to tell if the look was even deliberate. There was an entire room dedicated to a series of paintings that looked like some toddler had tried to replicate a Hooter's brochure with crayons and a tube of lipstick. If it weren't for the picture frames, I would have thought that some kid had just scribbled on the wall.

The other school of thought is to actually draw naked ladies, and then claim that they actually aren't naked ladies by adding something artistic, like say, a man in a Minotaur mask. I kid you not. There was a video art installation that featured two people making out on the streets of Rome. The artist apparently realized that he was coming dangerously close to just being a photographer instead of an artist, and decided to add a man in a business suit with a bull's head stalking through the background. The best part is that the exhibit was named "Realisms." Thanks, now I'll never be able to make out on the streets of Rome without the feeling that some voyeuristic Minotaur is stalking me.

Now, I know what you're going to say. These people are just "expressing themselves." What the heck does that mean? What on earth does something like that express? "I have a Minotaur fetish." Or maybe "Dang, those were some good brownies."

I suppose the positive side of the modern art movement in that it's incredibly user friendly. That's right, anyone can create meaningful, museum pieces for personal self-expression and the mild disgust of all those around you. Just follow these instructions: 1) purchase a can of paint. 2) Open it. 3) Inhale the fumes for about 10 minutes. 4) Express yourself. Hey, it works for writing articles. I'll call this one "female figure on beach."

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