'Zohan' a cinematic disaster

By: Stephanie Rancier

Posted: 6/12/08

We may think that we live in a more tolerant and forward-thinking society than our forbearers, but the truth is we will probably always be surrounded by ignorance and hate. Especially in a time of war, those with a public voice often urge views of peace and brotherhood on the masses. That said, one might think that a viewer dressed in tie-dye and a peace sign tattoo would love a film that encourages worldwide amity.

Zohan (Adam Sandler) is an Israeli counterterrorist who desperately wants to become a hairdresser. Unfortunately for Zohan, he is Israel's best weapon of defense against Palestinian terrorists and no one can understand why he would want to leave the army. Even Zohan's parents laugh when he tells them about his life-long dream of making all the hair in the world "silky smooth."

One day Zohan stages his own death in a dual with Phantom (John Turturro) and escapes to New York City in the hopes of working for his hairdressing idol, Paul Mitchell. On his quest to make the world's hair "silky smooth," Zohan befriends Oori (Ido Mosseri), a salesmen for an Israeli electronic store. Oori directs Zohan to a hole-in-the-wall salon across the street that just happens to be owned by Dalia (Emmanuelle Chriqui) from Palestine, Israel's 2,000-year-old enemy.

Because no other salon would hire an untrained, wannabe hairdresser who looks like a Middle Eastern 1980s pop singer, Zohan settles for a hair-sweeping job at the Palestinian hair shop. After one hairdresser abruptly quits, Zohan finally has an opportunity to prove himself as a talented hair stylist. With his unique shampooing technique, followed by a quickie with every female client, the hair salon begins to rise out of destitution brought on by an evil capitalist proprietor named Walbridge (Michael Buffer).

The storyline creates a disturbing level of absurdity with five central conflicts: generation gaps, warring countries, neighborhood gangs, capitalists versus small business and even a pair of star-crossed lovers.

There is no acting in this movie. There is, however, a group of former SNL comics acting like a bunch of jackasses with several embarrassing cameos including John McEnroe and Mariah Carey. One would've thought Carey would have learned a lesson after "Glitter" and stayed far away from the silver screen, but her ignorance prevailed. Though she may have only appeared for a few minutes, Carey's astonishing lack of comedic acting talent or natural charm is enough to haunt your dreams.

Along with the annoyance of the high note-hitting diva, viewers will be permanently scarred by disturbing visuals of Sandler engaging in numerous sexual escapades with women in their fifties, sixties and seventies.

After watching "Zohan," viewers will never be able to eat hummus, or watch reruns of "The Facts of Life" without being reminded of this cinematic horror. Not only was the content of this "comedy" not at all funny, it was mind numbingly repetitive.

As someone who has been called a hippie more than a few times, I can't find anything good about a movie that tries to promote world peace. Anyone with a shred of common sense will refrain from the latest Happy-Madison production. For the rest of you, I'd advise you not to admit that you wasted two hours of your lives on this colossal mess of a movie, especially if you liked it.

Hissss!!!