Real love usually isn't as simple as movie love

By: Nicole Hoegg

Posted: 7/7/05

If, according to Burt Bacharach, all the world needs now is just love, then why is it so hard to find? True, there are many different definitions of love, but recently, the idea of a perfect love, or soul mate, has dominated pop culture to the point of obsession. There has to be "the one" for all of us: the yin to our yang, the Ross Gellar to our Rachel Green.

Do soul mates really exist? Not necessarily.

Far be it from me to decry that someone's significant other is not a perfect match or a kindred spirit on this complicated journey of young adulthood. But we seem to have ingrained in ourselves to seek the relationship that is portrayed through movies, TV or any pop song ever written. This kind of perfectly coiffed, right-on-cue romance seems to dominate this generation's idea of how love should be pursued and maintained.

And so, we have come up with the idea that a soul mate means the ultimate, self-actualized love. A soul mate implies a perfect completion of another human being. However, all of us are imperfect creatures but with a great capacity to love and a great need to be loved. It seems natural that our mates be that one person on the face of the entire planet to make us whole. Wow. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone, no matter how strong the love between the two of you is.

According to Ernest Quansah, author of "How to Identify Your Soulmate," a 2003 poll states that 80 percent of North American men and women believe they have soul mates. There's nothing wrong with the romantic notion of having a soul mate. Problems arise, however, when that twin soul fails to live up to an idealized expectation.

One of these expectations is that the butterflies of love are supposed to last. Or rather, when those feelings fade, then that person couldn't have been "the one." Laura Snyder, author of "Is Your Search for a Soulmate Ruining Your Chance at Real Love?" writes, "The early days of romance are so soaked in excitement that when those heady feelings inevitably start to wane, we worry that it means our love is dying a slow death." Mellowing out is supposed to happen. It doesn't mean the person you're with isn't right for you anymore.

Another sweet but naively misguided impression is that meant-to-be couples never fight. In Psychology Today, author Polly Shulman's writes in the article "Great Expectations" that "in fact, argue psychologists and marital advocates, there's no such thing as true compatibility. (Diane Sollee writes) 'All couples disagree about all the same things. We have a highly romanticized notion that if we were with the right person, we wouldn't fight.'" Again, disagreements don't mean a relationship is doomed to failure. Think of it as the natural maturation of adult life - real people encounter real obstacles when dealing with others, and there's no shame in that.

So, it appears that both reality and some solid scientific investigation have debunked the earnest romantic's idea of perfect soul mates. Unfortunately, holding onto unchecked expectations of love or dreaming about that one custom-fit individual can create future problems. It can set enormously high standards for marriage, which may, but probably will not, be fulfilled.

Learning to love and accept someone exactly as he or she is perhaps the greatest gift we can give each other. However, it's time to take off the Hollywood-tinted glasses and realize that love, like everything else worth having, is hard work. It requires compromise, patience and even the occasional pile of dirty laundry.

Finding that special someone is a matter of chance. Holding onto them is up to you. Like beautiful cathedrals, true love is built brick by brick, pane by pane, until it finally becomes an intimate symbol for others. So look for a real love, not a starry-eyed one, then maybe the love this world needs will be that much closer.