The Rant | Campaign Chaos

By: James Cavin

Posted: 3/24/08

As you can tell from the innumerable advertisements all over campus, it's campaign season for the illustrious position of Student Body President. A lot of people want the position really badly. But why? Let's take a look at the facts.

Now, finding out the actual function of the SBP would require actual research, and is obviously out of the question. However, there are several conclusions we can come to based on first-hand observations of the candidates. First of all, there is a rule stating that you can't campaign for the position unless your name rhymes or alliterates with a catchy slogan. Each would-be candidate is rigorously grilled by the Student Senate Committee on name-slogan relations, and must have at least a 30% success rate with the Oxford Rhyming Dictionary to be approved. This is why we have slogans like "Click on Nick" (I actually saw that one the other day... now there's the name of a porn site if ever I heard one). While not perfect, this system does weed out politicians with un-sloganable names, like Gabriel. (Actually, "Get Babes with Gabe" does have a certain ring to it, and isn't all that far off from from what some candidates are promising).

The second major requirement of campaigners is to have a psychotically militant following capable of creating at least three hours of pedestrian traffic jam around the MSC on any given day. The MSC is no stranger to solicitors; Just the other day some guy walked up to me and said, "Want a free hug? I'm giving out free hugs!"

Well, what a coincidence! I'm giving out free punches to the face! Actually, I just pretended to suddenly become deaf, blind, mute and an Olympic sprinter all at the same time. Unfortunately, this immediately caught the attention of the person handing out fliers for the Campus Deaf, Blind, Mute, Olympic Sprinter Organization. However, these people are mere amateurs compared to SBP campaigners. If the usual free hugs and fliers people are the regular army, then the campaign people are the psychotic special forces shock troops - hand selected, equipped and trained beyond the capacity of average humans, ready to be deployed anywhere, anytime, in any conditions.

Getting into the MSC is now an all-day affair. I have tried every strategy I could think of to evade these guys, and not a single one is entirely successful. Avoiding eye contact might work on the average flier hander-outer, but campaigners can see through welding goggles on an overcast day. I've tried sneaking in the back door, wearing sunglasses, pretending to not speak English, running around the back and climbing up the fire escape. Even the reliable fake cell-phone conversation isn't a guarantee:

Me: "Oh, hi Mom! It sure is nice to have a conversation with you, even though it means that I can't have a conversation with anyone else right now."

Campaigner: "Howdy! Are you familiar with Candidate X? 'Cause after I get through my 45 minute sales speech, you sure will be."

Me: "I'm sorry, I'm on the phone right now with mother who's um...dying...of the bubonic plague...it's probably the last time I'll ever get to speak to her."

Campaigner: "Really? What a coincidence! If elected, Candidate X promises to pass school legislation banning death!"

While it is not necessary, the Student Senate Committee on the Fanaticism of Supporters encourages candidate's campaigners to approach potential voters at the worst possible moment. Trying to rush to a test in time sets off a gigantic alarm at campaign headquarters, who immediately dispatch agents to track you down.

Campaigner: "Hi! As I can tell from the rabid weasel attached to your jugular and the copious blood loss from your multiple lacerations and third degree burns, you obviously have time to listen to Candidate X's list of 1,001 reasons to vote for him."

Of course, the real question is, what does the SBP do when he or she is finally elected? Usually, the introduction of a new administration begins with the systematic elimination of all previous political opponents. Do you remember ever hearing anything more about a losing candidate after an election? I rest my case. The end result is an elected school official with no more political opposition and an army of psychotic supporters at his or her disposal. The possibilities are terrifying.

James Cavin is a sophomore English major.