Wings now. Problems later.

In the around-the-clock schedule of the college student, energy drinks seem like a fix. Just don't drink too much.

By: James Cavin

Posted: 9/8/08

Well, it's that time of the year when normal life functions only become possible through the ingestion of copious amounts of caffeinated substances. But in today's oversaturated market, how do you know which energy drink to choose? Look no further! While the rest of you were out doing productive things like attending classes and engaging in healthy social activities with real people, I've been studiously researching the available choices in the energy drink market.

Let's start the review with Rockstar because it is readily available in campus vending machines and, more importantly, has an advertising campaign featuring scantily-clad supermodels. If advertising has taught me one thing, it's that I would buy a bag of dog poop if there was a scantily-clad supermodel on the label. That's not that far from the truth with Rockstar, considering its flavor. Perhaps it's because it contains guarana, which is only a couple letters away from what it tastes like.

I'm going to rate Rockstar low on a scale of one to sucky. I really wanted to "party like a rock star" like the ad said, but no matter how much of it I drink, I am still sitting by myself in front of my computer and there are no scantily-clad supermodels, only my scantily-clad roommate sitting on the couch watching reality TV. More like "party like an honors student."

I'm going to leave out highly caffeinated soft drinks like Vault or Mountain Dew because I heard a rumor that one of the ingredients in Mountain Dew causes genital shrinkage. I laughed it off at the time, but I have never been able to drink Mountain Dew since.

Red Bull is probably the most well-known of any modern energy drink, and for good reason. My immediate reaction to Red Bull was, "This vintage 2008 exhibits the full body expected from any product of its caliber while delivering remarkable depth and complexity; its light, fruity bouquet is supported by exquisite balance and a crisp, clean finish." By that I mean it tastes like the inbred love child of cherry cough syrup and battery acid. There is a disturbing mental image for ya!

Actually, my immediate reaction was more along the lines of: "Hey, I wonder how many bedsprings I have? Hey! I wonder if they conduct electricity? Hey! I wonder how long I can say the words 'sunshine city' as fast as I can without breathing? Hey, I've been doing that for five minutes now! Hey, why am I jumping up and down in the middle of my room in my pajamas and playing an air guitar while yelling what I think might be the lyrics to 'Welcome to the Jungle,' only more profane?" Of course, I had been doing nothing but imbibing energy drinks since I woke up.

Red Bull claims to give you wings. All I have to say is that you're going to need them. Caffeine is known in the medical community as a "diuretic," coming from the Greek "diu" meaning "makes you" and "retic" meaning "pee every 30 seconds." When you've drunk enough Red Bull that you have caffeine coursing through your veins instead of blood, the effects are torrential to say the least.

Of course, these are the least of your worries. Not only does caffeine make you jittery and irritable, it can outright kill you. That's right, caffeine overdose is a real danger. A simple Google search will unearth a horrifying amount of information that the energy drink industry would prefer unknown. Not only can you learn about the horrible medical implications of caffeine use and overdose, there's even a web site with a "death by caffeine" quiz where you can see how much of your favorite beverage would kill you. For instance, at 155 pounds it would take 132.23 cans of Red Bull to kill me. That's roughly 12.5 gallons. Now, I don't mean to burst anyone's bubble here, but I'm pretty sure consuming 12.5 gallons of anything will kill you. Green Jello, for instance.