Start your engines

If you drive a car, chances are that you will at some point experience some kind of automotive trouble. This can be an incredibly frustrating experience, but with the right preparation and knowledge, you can turn what would have been an inconvenience into a trip to the emergency room.

(Note: I am a professional. Do not try these practices without the supervision of at least one opinion writer. Someone's got to be able to tell the story...)

Let's say that you're running late to class, hop into the car, turn the key and the engine doesn't start. Instead, all you hear is this strange grinding noise that sounds a little something like "grrrrrarrrpopopscrewyousuckerhahahahahahahaha.

The first thing to do is direct a few choice words at the car. Ninety percent of automotive failures are due to the car not having received regular verbal abuse. Professionals recommend cursing out your vehicle at least once a week

If profanity doesn't do the trick, it's time to take things to step two: pace around the car thoughtfully. It is important to nod slowly to yourself, because of the weight of the heavy mechanic thoughts racing through your mind. Look intently at various areas of the car, such as windshield wipers, tires and tail lights. Many people find it helps to make masculine grunting noises as you pace.

The purpose of this walk is twofold; first, you are communicating to the car that you are very serious, and unless it starts behaving itself immediately, you will be forced to display the full power of your automotive prowess. Secondly you communicate to all the males in the area that you know exactly what you are doing, and could, if it came to it, make an entirely new car on the spot, and do not require assistance of any kind. (This is important, because, as all men instinctively know, having to rely on the help of another male is silently admitting that he has larger genitals).

If the intimidating mechanic walk doesn't do the trick, it's time to bring out the big guns. Step 3 is to pop the hood. The trick to doing this correctly is to know where the hood release is ahead of time (it's usually located inside the car). Once you have the hood open, stand over it, staring intently as if to say "Hmm ... there's an engine in here."

Step 4: Realize that you are, in fact, staring into the trunk.

Step 5: Find the engine, and poke at it while making concerned expressions. Every now and then mutter something like "aha!" or "So there's the problem" or "Why is there a rabid weasel living in th- AAAAHHHHRRRGGGGHHH!"

Step 6: Whilst the hood is still open, sacrifice a yearling goat. Pour its blood over the engine block as an offering of appeasement to the automotive gods. (If you don't have a goat, a calf or small yappy dog will suffice).

It's possible that the problem may be a dead battery. To check if the battery is still good, lick it like a nine-volt. If you are still alive, the problem is probably the battery. At this point you may have to jump start it.

Jump-starting a car is a difficult and daunting task. It's basically like a blood transfusion for cars. For this reason, you need to be sure to check the donor car for hippie bumper stickers or other signs that it may be carrying an automotive STD.

For some reason, jumper cable manufacturers insist on coloring each cable differently so you have to worry about order and so forth. I painted mine purple so I don't have to worry about this stuff. All you do is clip one end to the good battery and one to the bad. The extra clip is meant to act as a "ground" line, so attach it to something grounded, such as a younger sibling. Finally, just start those suckers up and you should be ready to go.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go take care of step 10: collect medical insurance.

James Cavin is a senior English major.