 "Photo: James Cavin")
Dear freshmen, there's going to be a lot of information leveled at you in the next couple weeks. Things such as, how to talk to professors, how to act in class, where to eat, why not to release venomous reptiles into your annoying roommate's laundry and the list goes on...
But none of these things are going to matter if you can't get there. That's right, the biggest problem you're going to deal with is just getting around campus.
So without further ado, allow me to introduce to you the freshman's guide to getting around campus (not to be confused with the freshman's guide to getting around). You've got a lot of options when it comes to transportation. Far and away the most popular method of translocation here in Aggieland is good old-fashioned walking. This may seem at first seem a daunting task, but don't worry, I'm here to guide through every step of becoming a pedestrian in College Station.
Step 1: Know where to walk. The majority of pedestrians hit by motor vehicles are hit because the drivers didn't see them. This is because the majority of pedestrians are in locations far away from cars, such as sidewalks, lawns, dorm rooms, etc. So in an effort to make yourself more visible, walk in the road. Remember cars have better visibility in the front, so whenever possible approach head on.
Step 2: Check for oncoming traffic. Remember: do not hurry across the road. Sudden movements may startle the car. Instead make eye contact with the oncoming traffic, moving slowly and deliberately. Let the car get used to you. (You may even want to talk reassuringly to the car, using phrases like "Watch it!" or "I'm walking here!") It may even honk at you. Do not be alarmed, this is a sign of friendship and acceptance. In time, you will become so comfortable with moving among these gentle giants of the streets that you will walk among them without even paying attention. I have seen expert pedestrians calmly cross University Drive during rush hour on a green light without so much as looking up from their cell phone. Some day, this mastery could be yours.
Step 3: If intoxicated, stand staring blankly at headlights, then vomit on oncoming traffic.
Now don't get cocky. You may have completed the first three steps, but there are still many obstacles to overcome before you can truly master the art of walking. The biggest threat to your pedestrian career by far is other pedestrians.
The first among these nefarious dangers is the wheelie backpack. As near as I can figure, the rationale behind putting a backpack on wheels is something like this: "Sure, I could carry this on my back, as God intended, or... I could put it on wheels and try to sever people's toes with it." They might as well put scythes on the darn thing. Trust me, if you value your pinky toes at all, don't go anywhere near one of these wheeled monstrosities. If ever you should hear the high-pitched "Psycho" music of their squeaking wheels, run (try to lose them in a crowded intersection).
Of course, there is such thing as being too cautious. Yes, I'm talking to you Miss I-Read-One-Too-Many-Federal-Clery-Alerts-And-Now-Carry-A-Can-of-Mace-And-A-Cattle-Prod-to-All-My-Classes-While-Glancing-Over-My-Shoulder-Every-Three-Seconds-With-One-Hand-On-My-Cell-Phone's-911-Speed-Dial-And-The-Other-On-My-"Emasculator"-Brand-Stun-Gun.
Perhaps it's because I'm tall and walk with a heavy step, or perhaps it's because I have the words "serial cannibal" tattooed across my forehead in bright neon letters, but whatever the reason, these people become intensely agitated when I walk behind them. This would be fairly avoidable, except that these people also walk at the speed of molasses because they're so busy checking over their shoulder for serial cannibals. If you walk behind them, they freak out. If you speed up to walk around them, they freak out. If you give up and stop walking altogether, they freak out (Why'd he stop? What's he doing back there? He's probably cannibalizing someone right now!)
The exact opposite of this peril is the guy doing the "Why Yes I Work Out a Lot Walk." You know this guy. He walks super stiffly, with his arms stuck out to the sides as if his rippling biceps are too big for his arms to lay flat, trying to flex all of his muscles at once, which means that he can't really walk so much as waddle with a strained look on his face. The overall effect is that it looks like you've had an unfortunate lapse on continence (judging from the look on his face, this might be true). Trust me when I say to steer clear of these people. Not only can those overbuilt "manboobs" put someone's eye out, and the blinding glare of the sun reflecting off of their oiled biceps give permanent eye damage, but the strain of continuously flexing their abs has been known in some instances to lead to spontaneous combustion.
Well, that should send you well on your way to becoming a pedestrian master. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to wash this mace out of my eyes.
James Cavin is a junior English major
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