I 'm kind of frustrated right now. In times of election, we can supposedly find every possible viewpoint represented, promoted and campaigned, but at the end of the day, it seems like they're really all the same. No matter who you vote for, or for what position, they're all standing for honor, tradition, integrity and the ability to rhyme their name with a stupid slogan. Where's the guy standing for lying, cheating, screwing everyone else for a cheap buck and cashing out early? There's no one to represent me.
I've been trying to sell my soul or integrity or honor or pretty much any aspect of my personality for wealth, fame and the allure of the world, and it's just not happening. I was under the impression that college was just a lurking mass of moral compromises waiting to happen, but I've yet to get a chance to sell out. I mean, you hear the tragedies all the time:
"Timmy was such a polite, reserved young man, always trying to help people. His only dream in life was to become a volunteer medical worker in third-world nations. In his spare time, he would volunteer to tie orphans' shoes and hold the door for little old ladies. Then he went to college. The last we heard from him, he was in Peru throwing his grandmother into shark-infested waters to make room on his 300-foot pleasure yacht for more drug money and supermodels."
Why hasn't this happened to me yet? The only reason I have integrity is because I've never been given the chance to swap it for global domination. Heck, I'd settle for hemispherical domination right now. Continental? Regional? A bigger dorm room?
It's all these blasted student candidates running around promoting morality, integrity and all that boring crap. The market is so saturated with honesty, you can't find the good stuff.
So, moral compromises, please get your act together. I've been hearing about you from day one and have yet to see a single opportunity to lose my integrity for fortune and fame. Actually, I'm a little confused by how the term "integrity" is used to stand for "moral uprightness." Is this still integrity as in "structural integrity?" When did my moral standing become directly related to my ability to not implode?
What I'm trying to say is I will trade integrity of any kind - moral, structural, psychological, you name it - for money. I will sell all of my friends and most of my organs. Just give me the stinking opportunity! Where are the shady mobsters looking for human organs? Where's the crooked politician looking for dirty deeds done? You all need to get a student group formed already.
Seriously, it's not a temptation if you have to go and look for it. Then it's just a job.
Seeing as there's a complete dearth of representation for the non-integrity platform, I have no choice but to announce my candidacy. That's right: I, James Cavin, am running for everything (or whatever it is that we're voting for). My slogan: A better future … through embezzlement. The only legacy we'll leave is a hole in the funds and a trail of evil laughter all the way to our offshore accounts.
Vote evil. Get paid.
Well, I better wrap this up. I've got to go to church in the morning.
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